And yes, I know this makes very little sense and makes me sound crazy, but did I ever say I was completely sane? It would probably help if people talked to me every once in a while, but the only people who don't live with me that I've talked to for months are my fiancée and my little sister. That'd be all fine and good, but I need more people to talk to and a new personality who would be willing to go out and find them. My new personality needs a name...and it can't be Abi. That would be...depressing. I've had enough depressing things happen and have been under a lot of stress, so I can't have that. I need to have a fun personality who won't go and off herself. I need a personality that doesn't come with baggage. I need a personality that's...Abi when she was first "born". I can't convey how much I need this new personality to take over for Mai, as Mai can't handle stress very well. She's rather shy and introverted, despite being extremely social and pleasant. So...I'm taking Abi's death a little hard; too hard for a fictional person who embodied a single mood, especially since she contained ALL of my past guilt, which went away when she died. It was great at first, but now...I have too much that needs her. And I can't just bring her back from the dead. I can't. It's not possible. Even in personality fiction. I'm...just sad. And lonely. And I need Abi back.And honestly, I think part of the depression comes from getting 8 hours of sleep when I'm used to 4-5. That also leads to grumpy mornings for Mai. Then she's not as pleasant as usual, which is...strangely refreshing, but not enough.
You notice that not once did you generally refer to yourself as male or having a "male personality"? I think that might help with the issue, if you "manned up" so to speak. You know, grit your teeth and hurt someone... type of deal.
ReplyDeleteChew on some rusty nails and drink paint.. YEAH!
Of course that is an extreme but I do, honestly, think you would be "better for wear" if you remembered and embraced the fact that you are, by nature, male. Having female personalities that are dominant is only a well and good thing if you are, in fact, a female as well.... or maybe gay.
Such things lead to gender confusion, depression and closeted... things... like anger, yeah that's what I mean.
I'd also suggest getting yourself an activity that involves other people... even if its Bingo or... something. A place/event/whatever/etc that makes you have to actually talk with people about... stuff.
OH and at least you are close enough, in the realm of reality not relationship and bonds, to other people who 100% care about you and vies verse.
I've a freaking OCEAN in my bloody way!!!!
Grass is always greener... careful what you wish for... and a mind/sole in turmoil is one that should be feared (by others).
I didn't refer to it because, as I've said before, it doesn't really matter. Not to mention I felt quite manly when I wrote it, but that's...unrelated. I do embrace being male; it's just a coincidence that my personalities are female.
ReplyDeleteAnd hurting things doesn't make one manly, it makes one violent. That's out.
No gender confusion. No closeted anger. Depression, definitely, but it's not entirely from that. I'm just lonely from that. You know better than other people why I'm depressed.
It's hard to have a place or event where I talk to people as I have no way of getting there.
I didn't completely understand the paragraph about the bonds and such, so could you please explain a little better.
And I'm not going to lash out at others for my problems. My problems are my problems and I deal with them in my way.
All well and good, mate. Awesome. Just making sure and yeah.. I know why you are the way you are.
ReplyDeleteOh and my comment about bonds etc was about how I wanted you to say "shhh" about being lonly. The only person I have is my Mudder.. and my dog. Girlfriend is MILES AWAY... across an ocean.
I almost felt like telling you to STFU cause you have TWO PEOPLE and I barely have one. X|
Ah, sorry about that. But I am incredibly social and need more than those two...but I don't feel as lonely anymore. Talking to my little sister last night definitely helped me at least get rid of that.
ReplyDelete